What is Multiple-Bereavement Grief?

     Studies have shown that it takes up to two years to move through all the work of grief following a single bereavement. So, what happens when those two years are interrupted by another death, or perhaps more? It's not so much that the load of grief increases, but rather that the work of grief gets postponed. Our hearts and minds can only deal with so much grief at one time. There is a natural "off" switch that kicks in when we are faced with multiple losses, and we may feel as if we are numb rather than overwhelmed.
     I have found that multiple-bereavement grief is very complex, but that it follows a path that is similar for different grievers. The book I am working on is about this unique path of grief. I will explore some of my findings in this blog at a later date. What I want to share right now is that the awareness of the importance of saying intentional goodbyes is one of the gifts that arises from experiencing multiple bereavements. When you have lost many friends or family members to death, death becomes a more normal part of living. It is no longer something to fear or avoid, but can be faced and addressed with those who are dying and with other supportive people.

Intentional Goodbyes

On Thanksgiving weekend I had the blessing of being able to say goodbye to someone I love very much. She has been an important part of all of my family celebrations, every year since before my daughter was born. My daughter has never known a Christmas, Easter, or Thanksgiving without Jutta. But Jutta is dying of lung cancer. We all know that this will be her last gathering with us, her chosen family.
Saying goodbye to one I love who is dying may seem like an odd thing to list as one of my Thanksgiving blessings, but that is truly how I feel. At least we got to say how much we love each other one last time. We got to ask and answer some important questions. I was able to convey to her how integral a part of our future celebrations she will be: not just by her absence, but much more in all the memories and love that have been shared over the years. We got to hold each other, to walk together, to snuggle on the couch. We were able to be open-hearted when it mattered most.
I am so grateful that my friend did not die suddenly while alone in her home. I am grateful that she is surrounded by loved ones as she makes this final journey. I am sad. She is ready to go. I am ready to let her go. I cannot ask for more.